I miss her every day!!

I miss her everyday!!

Several of my children, my mother-in-law, and her sisters have all inquired as to my well-being since my Mom passed away. I want you all to know that I am fine. When Dad died I actually did have one significant emotional outburst that was a very poignant, attitude adjusting moment, that occurred a few hours before his death. I was driving home from the hospital to begin preparations for grilling some steaks and bratwurst. Mom and Cindy were still at the hospital and I was alone. I started crying about 58th Ave and I25 and did not stop until well after I was kneeling next to my bed at home. As I was kneeling there that afternoon I knew without question that he would not be leaving the hospital. You all know the rest of the story. With Mom passing I had no such opportunity; instead, there have been many small moments before and since the memorial service where I have had small emotions flowing to the surface. 

They happen frequently. 

It has been difficult to go back into her house and begin the process of sorting and packing her things. She had indicated to Mitchell Darrin and me many things that she hoped would happen with her possessions though not many written instructions given. The first day I made the turn toward her home I could have lost it. But we had a task to accomplish and we focused on getting started. When I read the blog posts of my daughters who give tribute and share remembrances of their Gram I find my allergies acting up and my eyes beginning to water. In those moments when I would normally reach for my phone to call her and check in, I pause, and wonder (definition #1) at how often I actually reached out to communicate with her. 

Thankfully, life does go on. 

My thoughts are somewhat random today as I am writing them down. Sorry about that. 

I spoke at the memorial service about the events of that late night when we received word that Mom was having problems and that we should come to the hospital right away. It was about fifteen minutes after midnight the morning of the twelfth of January when my phone rang. I had a difficult time waking from sleep and they had to call a second time to reach me. I called Aunt Elsie and Uncle Tommy to let them know and they headed right over to the hospital. Cindy and I got dressed, gave the dogs a cookie, prayed together, and then headed to Grand Junction and St. Mary's Hospital. We left several messages for Darrin along the way as he was not answering his phone (he had gone to Silt to make the house ready for Mom to come home). Uncle Tommy called as we were headed up the hill out of Montrose to let us know that we did not need to hurry as Mom had died already. 

Each of our children were contacted, as we drove, to let them know what we then knew. Darrin finally called me so we could let him know what had transpired. 

We all finally arrived at the hospital and met with a terrific grief counselor. She shared what needed to and would happen over the next few hours and days and provided us with all the information we would need to make all of the arrangements. She took Darrin and me into the room where Mom had spent the last few days of her life, and where the hospital staff had tried to revive her. After we spent a few minutes saying our goodbyes and discussing what we were feeling, we returned to the family waiting area and Aunt Elsie, Uncle Tommy, and Cindy took their turn saying goodbye. Mitchell D. asked if we could speak to the nurse who first responded to Mom when she started to fail. He came and filled in all of the gaps in what we already knew. He had been in the room with Mom at the moment when she initially fell back on the bed; he immediately initiated CPR and other resuscitation efforts and other staff called the ER for the emergency room physician to come to her room and help. They worked to revive for about thirty to thirty-five minutes.

The day of her death, the days leading up to the memorial service, and the service itself are all a jumble of people, conversations, and emotion. I'm not certain that any or all of those days are really clear to me, but, I can see bits and pieces of each and have those reminders of the love of family and friends.

It has been interesting to reflect on the experience of those days as we move forward with life. To write here today and recall the emotions that I experienced over those days and since have brought to mind this thought. I have great faith in God's great plan of happiness, so my feelings have been somewhat muted because of the belief I have of eternal family relationships. 

I have great joy in the thought that Mom and Dad are together once again, enjoying the companionship that men, women and families can have in eternity.